Head over heels

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Danielle!

“That was you?”  I find my neighbor ask in amazement while I open the door to find her sweeping the snow off my porch when she heard a thump, thump, thump, thump, thump thump thump…  Yes, that was me falling down and hitting each stair with my butt.  My butt has a huge ugly black and blue bruise in result to the fall and my arm, the one that has the torn cartilage, hideously hurt the next day, I’m assuming that I did at least try to catch the rail with that one arm.  Joanna knocked on the door to see if I could come over and do crafts with her and her kids.  I just taught Joanna to crochet a few days before and she wanted to display the finished product.  She and her two daughters and I sit and crochet; it felt amazing that someone wanted to actually learn from me!

Chazz wants to learn!

 

Oh no, then not even half an hour from that knock on my door, I’m walking with Chazz outside (amazingly he wanted to go on a super long walk) and my foot slides out from under me, landing me on my butt again, only this time I crash on the other side.  But wait, this can’t be possible, I’m even wearing my super grippy knee high leopard print rain/snow boots!  Bruised and banged up, Chazz goes into his room and I head over to my neighbor’s.  Back at home later that night, the heating pad goes on my lower back, and the following day I’m feeling a bit better.

My friend who drives me suggests that I go to yoga session held at the hospital before the TBI support group meeting begins.  At this “Gentle yoga” practice, my right arm  with the torn cartilage pops out, and I am extremely sore once again.  I struggle through the rest of the class, falling all over the place and losing my balance even more than normal and am exhausted.    By the time for the meeting, I am incredibly spent.  I have things to share at the meeting, only I would keep getting interrupted and never get a chance to say them.  At the end of the meeting, I am very depressed (just from the falling, and the not having a chance to speak my mind) and tears start falling down my face when I’m talking to a friend after the meeting, trying to explain that I’m fine, it’s been 17 years since my accident, I went away from home for college, I have just accomplished so much; I shouldn’t be upset.  It was just a reaction to being physically exhausted, and I guess mentally exhausted also (I was still upset that I fell so much in class, and then the day before).

But that’s okay, I’m okay and everything’s okay.  I’m embarrassed to say that I still have days like this, but everyone has an off day here and there, and everything will be okay.

Posted in inner reflection, Traumatic Brain Injury, yoga | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Finding a Voice for PTSD and Severe Anxiety

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Danielle!

gentlekindness's avatarGentleKindness

It is a terrible thing to feel unsafe. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome causes the sufferer to feel unsafe. The feeling of lack of safety is disabling. It creates mental torment and physical sensations of pain and discomfort.

Post traumatic stress disorder can be caused by different types of trauma. Anytime a person is put into a situation of being threatened for a prolonged period of time, they are in danger of damage to the their neurology.

People are not set up to endure a dangerous situation for extended periods of time. We are set up to be able to handle an immediate danger.

The amygdala is the part of the brain that kicks into high alert when we are in danger. This puts is into the fight or flight mode. Our brains and bodies are only designed to sustain this mode for a few minutes at a time.

Our body…

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meaning

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Danielle!

Meaning meaning, searching for meaning… what is my meaning?  What am i to do?  Grace Dixon from 1781 (Abbie Mills’ ancestor, TV show Sleepy Hollow) says that putting pen to paper is the only way to hope that things will not be forgotten.

GraceDixon

Perhaps this is urging my to record my experiences.  I want others to realize my strength, know all that I have overcome and the incredible journey that I have to share.  I have enough time right now, to collect and record my trials and the triumphs that have happened in my life.

I have been discussing this with my husband,  “Life’s a journey, not a destination, and I think we’re still trying to figure out  who this Danielle Karst person is.”  (Directly quoting Matt)  We should enjoy the journey; always remember to appreciate everything that is going on around us.  Matt says that is seems I’m very apprehensive about the future and what’s going to happen next.  OF COURSE I’m apprehensive about the future; we never know what will happen next, because IT IS IN the future.  Sometimes we just need faith and trust that God will work it all out.  But trusting in what we cannot see is the hardest thing for me to do.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean  not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.     Proverbs 3:5

Like my mom says, I am still young, and I have time to figure life out.

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Chilly Penguins

Posted on February 19, 2015 by Danielle!

HAPPY ASH WEDNESDAY!!

It is the beginning of Lent.

Danielle, Chazz and Matt in penguin form

Danielle, Chazz and Matt in penguin form

And yes, it is another snow day for many schools around the Northern VA area.  [2/18/2015]  Since FCPS is out, that means that even my church will not have Ash Wednesday services, like originally planned.
The Washington Post today’s main article is that Bostonians have 2 words for D.C.’s snow panicked folks: ‘Man up’  That’s totally true; they have about 6 feet with more expected.  My friend Jenny lives in Boston, and she says there’s no where to put it!  Flashback to winter of ’09 to ’10 in VA!  But we didn’t even have quite as much.

Jimmy Fallon was joking on The Tonight Show about how Boston was getting like 6 feet of snow and handling it, while Washington gets 6 inches and they declare a
SNOW EMERGENCY!st4
Even Doug Kammerer on NBC Storm Team 4 states that in Washington we ARE scared of snow and I would only assume that he’s counting himself as a part of the community (I mean, he DID go to Woodson or Fairfax high school, or some where in our area!)

Just another  reason to get depressed is that BECAUSE OF THE LENTEN SERVICES (even more so that it’s a snow day) our Revelation Bible study has to be postponed.  That means snow yet again, is another downer.  We skipped getting out and being social on Sunday morning because we figured we could see people at church on Ash Wednesday.  Also because of the howling wind and the barometric pressure drastically falling the night before was making me incredibly dizzy and feel very loopy.  When I couldn’t sleep on Saturday night, I started looking on the internet if my deja’ vu feelings had anything to do with the weather, and found out by performing a google search that the weather pressures can trigger an oncoming seizure in some people.  (I have a seizure disorder due to a Traumatic Brain Injury that was sustained in high school.)  I didn’t have a seizure that day, I just felt like I would have a seizure (a loopy feeling).  Even before I had left the house that Valentine’s evening, I had a feeling of surrealism that made me stop what I was doing and pause for about 5 seconds.
The snow may have socially inhibited the past few days, preventing long walks outside and canceling events, but it is certainly NOT A total downer.  The quick snowfall on Saturday evening, the Valentine snow burst, was gorgeous.  We were meeting friends out to dinner, and just as we were leaving, the waitress told us to be careful driving home pointing outside and we see it is just like a winter wonderland!  It was so beautiful, oncoming continuous white flakes fluttering down from up above!

As I walk my dog in my knee high leopard print rain/snow boots through the piles of snow with the pavement not even showing, I think to myself, how is it possible that I can never get sick of this fluffy white stuff?  That is, until I slip on a spot of ice outside of my grocery store, get the wind knocked out of me throw my back out, and am confined to the couch…

skpeng(oh wait, that was last year).  I come back inside my nice warm house, sit by my nice warm fireplace, and am amazed at how frostbitten your toes and fingers get from just 10 minutes out there with an artic blast pushing all the cold weather out.  Every year I wear a snowflake necklace to urge the snow to come, never paying attention to the fallacies that have happened due to the snow of previous years.   When the snow begins, or the forecast is projected all over the media [Storm Team NBC4], there is a child’s sense of joy turning inside of me, like how a weekend is so much better than a weekday, even when you have to go to work.

NO MATTER IF YOU DO NEED TO GO TO WORK OR NOT, A SNOW DAY IS ALWAYS A SNOW DAY.

So yes, it is another THANKFUL THURSDAY due to the weather.

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Today is THANKFUL THURSDAY, and I am thankful (especially tonight; the coldest night of the season) for our comfy cozy warm townhouse!  As my husband and I have before gone into D.C. to help out with McKenna’s wagon [Matt MUCH MORE than I],

…a side story on why I don’t go anymore=  I once went on a McKenna’s wagon trip with Matt.  Matt and I were serving warm food out of the back of the van.  A random man cut out of the line, and (all within a few seconds) he walked up to me, hugged me, put a Hawaiian Lay around my neck and said “you’re sexy!” and then he walked away.  Matt was standing right next to me as all of this happened, Matt was in the middle of serving food to someone, so he couldn’t stop the man.  Needless to say, Matt didn’t like that, and will no longer let me help with McKenna’s wagon trips.

where volunteers from our church distribute food to the homeless people on the streets.  I am reminded again at Christmastime, when our church hosts the hypothermia clinic for those living on the streets, to stay overnight in the church and get out of the cold.  I am reminded of how good we’ve got it, in our nice warm house out of the howling wind with chills of 0 degrees at night, but we are blessed enough to be nice and warm in our basement.

fireplace

 

 

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Danielle! | Leave a comment

family love!

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Danielle!

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

Thornton Wilder

I am so conscious of my treasures, and THANKFUL for all the blessings in my life.  Each night before I go to bed, my husband and I thank God for our fortunate circumstances.  A great family, we have found each other, love on MySpace!  This was back 10 years ago, when Myspace was the social networking website; before Facebook monopolized the ‘staying in touch’ industry.  He noticed that we had graduated from the same two schools, and decided to email message me.  We got together for coffeie…and thus the love story begins…

The other treasure for which we thank God every night is the other member of our family that sleeps under our roof, our little doggie Chazz.  Chazz was a stray dog, who was physically abused when he was younger, and was found on the Virginia/Tennessee borderline.  He was taken in by a high-kill shelter, and was on the short list to be put down next.  Our little doggie was not as adorable as he is now;  when I brought him over to my parent’s house the day after we picked him up even my Mom said that he is the “homeliest dog that [she] had ever seen!”  The rescue company that is based out of Charlottesville, Virginia says that he was covered in fleas, and that the medicine to remove the fleas took off all his fur, and he was incredibly malnourished.  I’m assuming that he was picked up because he is just the most friendly dog that jumps straight into your arms with his tail wagging like crazy.

image

I am so very thankful for finding the best family that I could ever imagine.  I love you Chazzy!  And you too Matt, thank you for choosing me!

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3 Things to Remember When You Don’t Know What to Do With Your Life

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Danielle!

3 Things to Remember When You Don’t Know What to Do With Your Life – http://huff.to/1x8Sy2O

image

it’s good to know that I’m not the only one with this problem…thanks Erin!  Just food for thought I guess, but for me, any thoughts help!!  I know I am having a problem “discovering” what I should be doing, and it is very nerve-racking, but like it says in the article, I don’t want to just ‘give up, and go back to exactly what I have been doing.’  At least this way, I won’t have to ever wonder ‘what would have happened if I had ever fulfilled those dreams I had when I was younger? ‘  I LOVE ERIN AND ELENA! Remember Erin- no time limit on how long it takes to figure life out; just enjoy the journey, right?

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little red bull

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Danielle!

Just like life, when you think everything’s been decided, the plans magically change depending on the littlest thing, the decision to turn the car right or left, go with the flow of traffic or against, and in that split second, a world begins to change.  Not unraveling beyond recognition, there is one value that remains true.  The inner soul of a person…is the one true constant in the situation.

Sure things are different now, different than before my car accident ever happened, different than before, but I am still the same person, both on the inside and outside I look basically the same.

I was so over this, it has been over half of my lifetime ago; I have been alive longer with a TBI than I had been previously.  The object that struck up all of these memories of the few days right before my car accident are all attributed to a little red bull. wpid-20150105_222944.jpg Curious by the appearance of this McDonald’s toy that was apparently given to me sometime that summer, and I started investigating the surrounding events right prior to that accident, even the few days before.  There are a lot of holes, but I do remember.  This instigated an emailing back and forth between me and my very good friend (my maid of honor) about what had been going on that first week of school, and I was busy.  So busy that my friends felt neglected, but it was what was happening all around me.  I was spread so thin, the all-star cheerleading squad had taken a break over summer, and I had pretty much decided not to return with them as they transformed from the youth club based competition squad into being sponsored by the gym that we practiced at every Sunday.  All my friends would have only been around for another year, anyway.  The high school cheerleading squad was enough for me, I had practices for the Varsity squad every day, a Friday night game (I had the good fourtune to be in the first game of the year the night before my accident) and I was trying to keep up some sort of resemblance to a social life, while completing work at the pool as a lifeguard.  As I think of my times with the girls on my cheerleading squad, it just brings me to tears.  Running laps around the football field at the high school, singing dumb chants in a military type style made up on the spot, and watching the football team practice on the field behind us.  I have so many good memories from being a cheerleader, not only on my high school team, but on my competition all star squad, too.

But wait, why all these tears? Everyone’s still around,  these are memories, and good memories.  And I’m stuck in a daydream again, sitting here looking on out into space.  Which only reminds me of the first time that my friend and I first met, in seventh grade.  She was sitting with her legs pulled up  on her plastic school chair, biting on her barely there finger nail polish half on, half off and she says “Sorry, I’m like ‘Duh’ staring into space” and she laughs and reaches out to shake my hand.  At least, I think she shook my hand, I think I remember because it was so weird, 7th grade and handshake?  It’s all of the little memories that get you, like snowboarding with a good friend and her family and spending most of the trip on my butt.  In ninth grade the girl with the curly blonde hair talking about how she always thought I was so cool because I hung out with these two other girls and we were such good friends.  Mr. Sanders in 9th grade calling me Danielle-o, ‘because her hair is quite yellow‘ [Referring to the lone blonde streak I had put in the front of my dark brown hair]  In German class, watching the astute students on either side of me actually sprechen German, and get it right.  Then there were the nights out with my good friend on my competition squad while sleeping over at another friends house, sneaking out to go TP an ex-boyfriend’s house.  Getting in trouble  when parents came home and found me throwing up in a bathroom and having all of the parents being called at 3 AM because it was our first encounter with vodka.

Losing the privilege of riding to school in a red corvette that the cheerleader across the street drove me to school each morning, and having to ride the bus.  And then there was that one morning in which Katie ran over to my house at 5AM and found me up early finishing my English paper that I was too busy the night before talking on the phone to the boy that I liked…

Memories are precious…
AND THEY SUCK.
They suck because they are not here anymore, things are different, and they’re not meant to be dwelled upon…they’re just memories- to be looked upon with the whisper of a smile

 

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Gratitude unlocks fullness of life

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Danielle!
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.
Melody Beattie

Thankful Thursdays are back!

This week, I am thankful for SNOW!! It’s winter, it has been cold enough out there for it to fall on down like crazy!  And fallsnowflk, it did; but it waited all the way until January!!  Tuesday January 6, Washington DC area’s first snowfall of the season!!

Kids get to play in the snow, they get off school, as does government.  This snow was not that too entirely bad, though days later some counties in N. Virginia are closed simply because of how cold it is.  How cold it is!? 19.6 degrees out on our deck right now… but I’m sure people who are used to it up in like northern states like Minnesota, who are thinking us northern Virginianers are just too inexperienced to handle the snowy cold weather and all that comes with it.

 I was excited to see the snow fall down, but I was walking my little Chazz dog in his unbelievably cute coat the next day and I slipped in the ice.  As I hit the ground, his leash got away from me, and my little doggie ran across the street!  I got up, only to slip again, and my right hand was oozing blood.

I showed up to church on Sunday wearing my good luck snow day necklace, told my pastor how I got the injury, and he looked like I was crazy wishing for more snow.  Later afterwards when I was reflecting on our conversation, I saw the silliness of this 33 year old’s wish to hope for snow.  Although this is a minor setback, it phases me not.

wpid-20150127_081057.jpgIt is now Tuesday January 27 and we had the most gorgeous snowfall again last night.  The blinds in the living room were pulled up so that we could see the snow fall across the street in the illumination of the streetlamp.  And the snow continued all while we were sleeping.  In the morning it was pleasing to see that blanket of snow on the deck creeping all the way up to the ledge of where the glass meets the aluminum on the door, and even nicer to look outside in front and see the street blanketed in snow, and no footprints on the snow, save for a squirrel or a little bird hopping by.

The ice underneath the snow is very slippery, as Chazz ventured across the big street next to ours, the cars that have dared to race down the road this early morning or late last night have caused the snow to melt a bit leaving icy car prints among the snow.   Although throughout the window I look in the midday sun and can finally see the black pavement with smears of icy white on the edges of the road.

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The mere joy derived from gazing outside the glass back door and seeing the last of the flurries or the winds rustling the tree branches and more snow dancing throughout the sky and landing on the deck.  This is where gratitude and the appreciation for beauty of the winter is truly derived.  The gift of winter delight in which God has rained down on us.

gratitude

/ˈɡrætɪˌtjuːd/
noun

1.

a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for gifts or favours
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Am I crazy?  Or just crazy about fitness?

Having a traumatic brain injury from a car accident 17 years ago, has really affected my balance, coordination and has caused a slight delay in movements.  I’m always a second behind the rest of my Body and Soul fitness cardio and strength training class on the warm up routines.  I work on mimicking the instructors exactly,  but sometimes lose out due to the whole equilibrium thing or weight shifting.  It is challenging, although the women in the class don’t really pay attention, or my friend Joanna says that “it doesn’t matter if you get the moves right, just that you keep moving.”  Oh I keep moving, and sweating, sweating profusely.

aerobics

DISCLAIMER: This is not an image from my class; it displays similarities (1)

 

This session is much more upbeat, quick and faster than the last session; upbeat with positions my body doesn’t instantaneously go into, so I look like “the odd man out” or I find myself behind the group a step or two.  The songs that the routines are coordinated to are fast moving Christian songs, and I do not move fast.

Last session, beginning when public schools start, [the class is comprised of stay-at-home moms with kids in school, and older women; I am the youngest in the class] was a longer number of sessions, and maybe it is because this session just started and I’m not one to pick up moves quickly so perhaps I should cut myself a break.  But maybe not; I strive for perfection.

Looking at the start of this new year optimistically, at least I’m not falling all over the floor like what was occurring a few months ago.  I fell twice (!) in the same class!  I’m not talking about a little slip of balance, when I fell, I fell LOUDLY, and directly onto my butt almost doing a somersault.  The ladies in the class suggested that I buy new shoes with grippy soles; those old shoes had completely worn out soles from constant walking at the nursing home, and taking my cute little dog out on walks. 

wpid-20141230_163522.jpg

Chazz Karst; sporting the fashionable hoodie coat that my sister in law just bought him

Sidenote: Chazz is another way that I stay in shape; as a gift for having more time off work, I decided to get myself a Fitbit, which I love. I love this activity tracker that clips onto a wrist because it helps inspire me to get moving.  I take Chazz out on more brisk power walks, and can even track vigorous playtime with Chazz, that burns more calories than ‘light, only active periods,’ hence the reason that I love taking care of my dog.

Once I had the shoe problem resolved, the next thing I did was tear the cartilage in my shoulder.  Stuck to the couch resting it for a few days, my doctor said that nothing more needed to be done as it was not bothering me.  I try to lay off the hand weights and do not over exert myself with the elastic band.  This class may sound like it’s not for me, but it meets twice a week, gets me out of my house, socializing and exercising.  I must admit, I am better at yoga; the poses are held in the same position for a minimum of 3 breaths and I am so much better at not moving, holding positions and  firming muscles.

yoga

My favorite yoga teacher began teaching again!  She conducts a fitness/ endurance form of yoga, than the type of class in which I prefer to the last yoga teacher that instructed the class that I participated.  My last yoga teacher did not create a relaxing atmosphere, she had written me a few nasty emails that were not calming NOR zen-like (isn’t that the purpose of yoga?); she started an Eastern type of monk throat moaning during savasana, which made me very uncomfortable.  All of this meditation/relaxation period was at the end of class, when it was dark outside and made me severely uncomfortable.  In my opinion, yoga is better done in the morning, to prepare one for the day.  However, I realize that this is not always possible with work schedules, and some people like the unwinding relaxation after a long day.  Once upon a time I also enjoyed the relaxation of an evening practice until I had a frustrating day, expressed my frustration into the beginning of class and was told by said teacher to “leave [my] shit outside the door with my shoes.”  But, in the spirit of trying to forget that experience and move on with another yoga class, this one on Saturday mornings.

Just breathe…
Just breathe…..
Just breathe…….

Image taken from:
1) http://recreation.southwindsor.org/adultPrograms/aerobics/Aerobics

Posted on January 22, 2015 by Danielle! | Leave a comment