Inside Danielle's mind

This is an issue that I have currently been giving much thought to: AGING; as I have previously commented on a fabulous blog post by Leanne,
And I still have over half my life to live

Does aging make you older and wrinklier; or more self assured and confident? I have had an issue with accepting the fact that I am growing older, thinking that perhaps the best years of my life have passed me by; I’m 34 now, dreaded the day I turned 30 and the day came, I was fine- I realized the 30’s are where life really starts. When a person is in her 20s, she’s still trying to determine her real identity, when a person’s in her 30s, she already knows and its time to start living.

I still remember my Mom when she was my current age, and I was like 10. Now she’s 61, and I don’t believe it; where has time gone? She’s had a lot of life experiences, having had bougtt 2 houses in her lifetime before all hell broke loose and her daughter survived a car accident that put me in a coma for many months. I just cannot imagine how she felt, needing to be by my side when I lie comatose for over 2 months. I don’t have children, and can only empathize with the sadness that my Mom felt. The story ends well, God has allowed me to get well and to my ‘new normal’. I look at my resulting TBI as something that has merely shaped the person that I am, and not really a different life; each component of my entire life adds up to create the loving, compassionate person that I am. In my mother’s life, she has seen me and my brother live away from home on college campuses, graduate, get jobs in our respective careers and get married (something unfathomable for me, given the condition that I was in). She has traveled and seen Europe, been on cruises, goes to her Florida house all the time goes out with lots of friends while, currently still working. She has been through many life experiences.

That’s how life works, we all have good times and bad times, and aging is inevitable. It is the one guarantee in life (besides taxes), and I suppose I should embrace the wrinkles as proof of a long fulfilling life. So, thank you Leanne for helping me to see the beauty in aging and that I don’t need to be afraid of it.

Writing 101: Assignment 8; expand a comment

To write, or not to write….
I think we all truly know that is the question.

When I’m feelin’ it- I’m feelin’ it: the house is quiet except for Meghan Trainor coming from my phone.

That reminds me, my phone…where is my phone? Why is it turned off?… Why am I wearing uncomfortable jeans? Why do I only find another totally full glass of water standing on the other side of the room after I make another? [In the other cute palm tree cup] Why did I just call my husband, there was something I needed to tell him…I THINK.

WRITER’S BLOCK.

I take a walk whenever I start feeling like this.

Feeling sick to your stomach thinking if you continue to sit at the laptop and check facebook, or pinterest one more time, you’ll puke.

And then you start to think about making dinner. The real world set in, the phone rings, “Honey, I’m comin’ home” on the other line. What? Where did this day go? It started out productively, early this morning, when the dog dragged me down the sidewalk for a walk. Then it was mad, quick cleaning…yes, I think back to this morning and remember I still have wet laundry in the washer.

My anxiety. It all comes back to that. I got overwhelmed thinking off all the assignments I have yet to complete in this free writing/blogging class I’m taking online and sit for 2 hours reading little blurbs/trying to think of a witty response… and nothing.
Where did the day go? What was I doing?

LAUNDRY.
MATCHING DISHTOWELS.
PICKING UP SO I DON’T LOOK LIKE A TOTAL SLOB TO THE ABSOLUTE STRANGER COMING IN TO CHECK THE HEATING SYSTEM.
PLAYING WITH CHAZZ.
SORTING THROUGH COFFEE CUPS TO DONATE FOR THE CHURCH BAZAAR.
MAKING A MENTAL CHECKLIST IN MY MIND; IMPORTANT DATES OF DEADLINES BOUNCING AROUND IN MY HEAD- TRYING TO RECORD THEM IN A CUTE AGENDA COLORING BOOK. Yes, an ADULT coloring book, to relieve stress apparently.
Oh CROCHETING! Yes, I’m trying a new stitch and this takes full concentration. My first meeting of the Prayer Shawl Ministry at my church is tomorrow, and it’s the first one that I’m leading completely by myself. Well I’ve lead many other times by myself, but this time the other 2 ladies that were helping have ‘backed away’ from the ministry. I have a key to the room now, and that makes me feel like I’m responsible…Crocheting on my Days of our Lives lunch break…turned on my laptop and got distressed trying to do the other day’s assignments.
Don’t forget about Chazz…

Thinking maybe it’s a good thing that I’ve already earned my degree and don’t have to go back to school.

That’s what I did today, but on other unproductive days, I like baking just to produce something and say, ‘I’ve done THIS with my time!’

I say that I’m a writer, trying to create my memoir. I haven’t done anything with that memoir since the beginning of last month. I always put it off. Like, even this, I’ll write my memoir after I finish this Writing 101 class, or then I’ll just need to finish moping the floors, vacuuming, laundry, cleaning kitchen, bathrooms, and then it all repeats in a vicious cycle. What? And what about finding a job? I’ll do that AFTER. AFTER I fulfill my dreams of writing my experiences in my memoir.

Writing 101; Assignment #11

Posted on September 21, 2015 by Danielle! | 2 Comments

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Elenor Roosevelt

We all have insecurities about ourselves. Maybe we don’t like to admit it, but the majority of us have that little voice inside our head, the paranoid one, making us feel bad about not living up to everyone else’s expectations. Or maybe its just me.

I guess the consent that I always gave to others was the fact that I was insecure with how I am now. I’m not saying that I am perfect- I was just more perfect than I feel I am now. I had my thoughts more together, my head more clear. Why would it not be? I was in HIGH SCHOOL before my accident, all I had to concentrate was on cheerleading, friends, boys and homework. I had it easy before this traumatic brain injury,… but I was so young. It was like another life ago. 2 decades later- I’m still here!!

A friend in an online TBI support group on Facebook helped me figure it out, it’s an insecurity because now my speech is a little slower, my actions are a bit delayed, so I’m very self conscious of what everyone else is thinking of me. I felt this way very much more a decade ago, when I first emerged into the “real world,” and out of my college lifestyle, I was only a few years post-TBI, so I couldn’t walk quickly (besides the whole balance thing), my speech was slower, and my movements were more delayed. Now, nearly two decades later, most people cannot tell that I even have an injury! That is pretty exciting and encouraging to hear. In hindsight, I have accomplished very much, someone just needs to tell my head.

So yes, if there is even the tiniest insecurity in your mind about your ability, anything said or done by others can be interpreted as “difficult to swallow.” I still struggle with allowing other people to dictate how I should feel about myself; my consciousness has become more analytic to my imperfections post-accident. I am comfortable with the people that know me, and know about me through casual encounters, something that I was not very comfortable with when I began embarking upon my career path. Now I look at my imperfections as a testimony to what I have been through, and to what God has allowed me to accomplish. So now no one has my consent to make me feel inferior anymore…I am strong enough to survive, and flourish.

Writing 101: Assignment 7; quote

Posted on September 17, 2015 by Danielle! | 7 Comments

Just think about it! I woke up this morning! There is a whole world full of possibilities- of the wonderful things that we could do! We all have a choice when we wake up, to wake up and take this day head on, make the most of all we have and be happy, do the best that we can do to fulfill our purposes in life. To make it worthwhile. My purpose right now is to provide comfort through encouraging words, letting others know that the struggle with a TBI gets better, how it can get better, and by creating awareness. Providing comfort to people in our community who are grieving by crocheting prayer shawls through my church.

We opened our eyes this morning, there is everything to be thankful for, whatever we wish to do, we can some how make it happen. No matter how small or insignificant we think it may be, this is yet another accomplishment. Everyone has some sort of trouble in their lives, sure mine is a little more apparent, but that should not change the perspective on life. God has allowed us to open our eyes today, let’s not take advantage of that fact by thinking, ‘oh woe is me, I have a brain injury’ (or some form of other disability) Instead be thankful to be alive! Praise the Lord that we can just open our eyes! We may think that some people have it so easy, while others have it so hard; although yet another downfall is comparison. It’s all about the perspective that we have. Some people, simply by thinking more positively, glass half full mindset, have the energy to make their lives better. When you take a moment to think of the fact that you have a bed to wake up in, a computer on which to read or type, the ability to form letters into a word and then into a sentence, take just a moment to think of all that there is to be thankful,and it will make you a happier you that will be unable to wipe that smile off of you’re face. When we get into a bad moment, and start to feel sorry for ourselves, just look at all the blessings we have on our backs. When look and be thankful for what we do have, instead of concentrating on what we don’t, our state of mind changes.

This THANKFUL THURSDAY and pretty much everyday, I am thankful to be alive, I am thankful to open my eyes and start yet another day.

So, please comment and tell me on this Thankful Thursday one reason that you are thankful. See how your state of mind changes by focusing on the positive instead of the negative. And remember, it’s all a state of mind.

Posted on September 17, 2015 by Danielle! | Leave a comment

HAhaha… does procrastination kills creativity, I always need to wait until I am inspired or motivated to do something. For the past 15 years, I have been talking about writing a memoir of my life experiences, I had lived through the slow recovery process (which is still ongoing…but now it is just the person that I have become; I have been alive longer after my accident than I have been before my accident). I have graduated high school, graduated college, having had worked in the real world and have had many different experiences with many different people both professional and personal, have gotten married and bought my first house. I have gone through professional struggles, have had regrets and personal internal worth/purpose/defining myself struggles. I think that now, 2 decades later, I have enough experience to draw upon to complete it [and begin the book]. In the light of memoir completion, procrastination is probably not the best due to fading memories, but in the case of blogging a little procrastination is fine. UNLESS YOU START TAKING A CLASS AND THEN GET OVERWHELMED BECAUSE OF HOW MANY ASSIGNMENTS YOU HAVE LEFT TO DO.

writing 101: Assignment 5 inspired by social media

Posted on September 15, 2015 by Danielle! | 1 Comment

Yesterday, you found inspiration in one word and used it as a springboard for a post idea. Images — including photographs and works of art — can also act as starting points for stories, essays, poems, and personal musings. For this exercise, use one of the images above as the creative spark for today’s post. You might use it as the setting for a story or poem, write about how it makes you feel, or describe a memory conjured up by it.

Chazz and Matt

Chazz leads us on family walks. We would hike down paths in the woods, and try to make it down to the stream, about a half mile along the path. Chazz and my husband would be on either side of me, but Chazz refuses to move when he does not wish to walk any further. Me and my husband give in by the third time he tries to turn around and go home, I would complain that my neck hurts from turning around so much (I pulled a muscle in my neck last week, and I’m a wimp). Chazz already earned a doggie cookie (by doing his business), so feeling it’s not worth exerting the energy to go any further; I think that’s why he wants to turn around.

The woods are beautiful on this sunny beginning of autumn day, the sun peering through the trees down the path. This is the reason for my selection of picture.

writing 101- Assignment 4; A story in a single image

Posted on September 15, 2015 by Danielle! | 1 Comment

What are your writing habits?
What equipment or supplies do you use to write?
What do you need and want in a physical space?

Hmmm, where do I write? I’d be lying to say that I’m satisfied with this answer; the truth is that I have not found a specific special place to write. I like being closer to the middle level, and I don’t like it. On the main level where I have my kitchen where I can get a cup of coffee or a snack, but it is also where husband and I tend to hang out, watch TV, talk or read. Lately we have been trying to turn off the TV at 10pm, and do some Bible study, reading or talking before bed.

But I guess the place for study/concentration goes far beyond college. I never really had the roommate experience in college, a roommate for one semester my freshman year, and we didn’t really get along too well, or I would be annoyed too much. That year I spent much of my time in odd places like friends’ rooms or anywhere but my dorm building.

I found that I liked doing studying in the library, where I would be away from the distractions of my single room, not having the urge to clean or to organize continually in the back of my mind. I enjoy it the few days that we have not too hot/not too cold days in Virginia, so I can sit outside on my back deck and be free from distractions. But that’s only until the rest of my responsibilities catch up with me.

I had a roommate here for a few weeks recently while I have been pursuing my writing career and she has been transitioning back to the US from Bulgaria. We both set up camp with our individual laptops on the main level of my townhouse, by the kitchen, but there are just so many distractions, I never felt like I was able to get much done.
So I guess I write everywhere, anywhere, I usually need to wait until inspiration hits me.

I meed a distraction free environment so usually there’s a pad of paper with a purple pen near, so I don’t forget all the random grocery lists that magically pop into my head. The TV is far too distracting so it needs to be off, some background noise is nice, like soothing jazz instrumental or whatever, just not dead silence or music so popular that I forget what I’m even trying to do. I only need my computer to write, along with the little scribbles that I would hear a quote or have an idea. Back to the physical place again, I need to be distraction free, and I can usually remedy that by doing a quick little clean up job before I start.

writing 101; Assignment 6-Space to write

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Danielle! | Leave a comment

HOME
Home is where the heart is.

My first home. With my name on the deed.
Comforting, when you think of it.Having somewhere that you belong, with a loving family, somewhere to go when you are in need.
Just us 3, myself the husband and our adorable doggie, Chazz.
An inviting place to have friends and neighbors over.
I even get to decorate it however I want, classy, comfortable with a little pizzazz!
*
There’s my only attempt at a rhyming poem.

I love dressing my house up for the change of the seasons; i have different tablecloths for my kitchen table, sheets and comforters for our bed, I even change our bath towels for the spring/summer and fall/winter weather. Each time of the year has a different tone, a feel, color scheme, when the weather turns from hot and humid, to chilly and cold. I’ve been tending the flowers in my front and backyard all season and am beginning to see the leaves changing colors, Then in the winter time or right around Thanksgiving, the house gets a total makeover and transforms into a green festive wonderland with red bows and colored lights everywhere. After the snow drags on, I am simply delighted to see the promises of the spring season, the green buds starting to emerge on the tree twigs.

The feel of the house is so important and the people inside of it really make a house a home. It feels so perfect to have a home, to have a home and a place to belong. With a family, especially when that family includes a member with a waggling tail and licks your face. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO BE THANKFUL.

**Writing 101-Day 3: One word Inspiration

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Danielle! | 5 Comments

Stop being in a situation of doing, and start being in a situation of being.
-Jon Kabit-Zinn

This is a rule that I need to learn.

Longwood University!

I am a traumatic brain injury survivor.
I am a college graduate.
I am an intelligent human being.
I am experiencing a change in career after a decade in one profession.
I am a little young to be having a midlife crisis.
I am having a hard time finding out where to dedicate my life & time.
housewife? dogsitter? Chazz lover. family caretaker? housekeeper? blogger. WRITER.

I need to stop defining myself by what occupational position that I hold and what I have done.

A crocheting Chazz

I am so much more than that.
I am a caring young lady [I suppose at 34 I can still be considered young],
I am a lover of dogs, (Esp. my Chazz dog, but mostly all dogs)
yoga, crocheting, good friends

and an iced matcha latte.

matcha from Peet’s coffee and tea

***Writing 101-Day 2

Posted on September 8, 2015 by Danielle! | 1 Comment

WRITING 101: DAY 1

Why do I write? I write because I have a goal. I have a goal of sharing my experience with a traumatic brain injury and rehab with others. I hope to inspire and provide comfort and hope to others going through an injury or some sort of other ordeal like this, to let others know that their feelings are justified and that they will get better, life does go on. I write to let others see that life should never be something that’s taken advantage. I write to inspire others to keep trying and never lose hope, no matter the situation, every situation has the ability to get better, no matter if it is just adapting to the current situation that one is in or the small barely noticeable improvements. I write for my own self, to make myself aware of how far I truly have amiss all of my struggling. I wish to tell of my trials and share the tactics that have worked for me, to help others. I write to reaffirm my existence; proving that God did in fact have a reason for saving me and having me live past the age of 16. To see the story of what happened, read C’est la Vie

Posted on September 8, 2015 by Danielle! | Leave a comment