I have a purpose.
I have a goal.
I know what I’m doing.
Or maybe I’m just telling myself that.
I know I have said before that my purpose is self-improvement, and that I was going to work on working on me. This was to be achieved through becoming close to the Lord- with Bible studies, through prayer and actual listening for guidance. I’ve struggled through personal online Bible study, first on trust, then on ‘Soul Detox’. My husband and I are now concentrating on studying the book of Revelation, prompted by Sleepy Hollow episodes.
I was going to get fit through yoga, organized yoga practices. That would make sure I stick to that schedule because I’d actually have to BE in class. I had planned on attending classes twice a week. Hmmm, since the classes don’t work for me, that means that I have to get motivated and figure out time to incorporate the yoga practice into my schedule in a short video once or twice a week, and do a few poses. I still subscribe to the Yoga Journal (and People of course), and I can’t figure out how to get them to stop sending me DVDs. I just can’t find the time to watch these videos. Every time I think about doing something relaxing, for my benefit, I also come up with 3 other things I have to do. And did I mention that I still need to change my Spring/Summer wardrobe with my Fall/Winter clothes?
~~One thing for me to check off my list: now I’m going to Body & Soul- a total fitness class set to Christian music; I feel more comfortable with this in the being played in the background.
My relax time, this is supposed to be a relaxing time for me, a time to chill and read books all day. I did apply for a job at the library, (and starting pay is even more than 9 years at the nursing home) but do I really want to WORK in a library? I can just imagine getting into that job and staying in it FOREVER. I mean, why would you quit? It’s a great job; follows the holidays, the snow schedule… but it’s not something I’m really passionate about. With all this time off, I’ve had time to pick up that crocheting. I have returned to my spot as a member of the Prayer Shawl Ministry for my church. It started as a project in honor of my grandmother, to repay the kindness for me when she passed (the church had given me a shawl to help comfort me) but now I really enjoy it and like to spend my free time working on projects to help others.
(You can only do SO MANY things with all these scarfs)
What happened? TV got in the way. Cleaning got in the way. The pool got in the way. Facebook, and then there’s Facebook. And without email, I don’t feel connected to the world. Oh, and there’s Days of our Lives. I can’t believe Sammi is leaving. 21 years- I have spent 21 years of my life watching this daytime drama. The summer of my seventh grade year, the girls on my swim team got me hooked. And Sammi Brady started her acting career 22 years ago. She is only 4 years older, [Alison Sweeney is 38] so we’ve practically grown up together.
My ADD thoughts jump from place to place and I could be typing my memoir on the computer, I run to every other site but my Word document, collecting the random thoughts in my head. But that’s all that’s in my head now, isn’t it? My mind is always thinking of a thousand other things to do which would be so much more productive. Random thoughts jumping around; I didn’t have this much trouble concentrating before my traumatic brain injury. Or maybe I just didn’t have to think that much before my TBI. I WAS young, very very young as in still living under my parents’ roof, getting the free education that is provided. Not needing to clean up a house, cook dinner, work to provide for myself; before I got to be a ‘grown up.’ And what, I’m a grown up now?
My husband Matt says that each day I need to set goals for myself, to have a straight half an hour where I sit down to write. [And that means when Erin turns on Skype, I don’t immediately abandon my task to talk with her and Elena] I should also do this with my cleaning chores- like laundry- set aside time to do that and nothing else, or I need to vacuum the stairs, clean up our bedroom, or whatever.
My true purpose
I know that I have been created for the purpose of helping people. Helping people by sharing my experiences through writing is a purpose for my life. My mom thinks I’ll get bored and I’ll want to go back to work [I mean, they did pay for this expensive education for SOMETHING! And would rather see me do something in my field of study.] When I’m ready to go back, I’ll start out with volunteering once or twice a week. We can afford for me to be a stay at homemaker (for right now anyway), and I can just work on getting our gorgeous townhouse spotless, writing, reading and crocheting. And then there’s always yoga.
I recently retired from 31 years of being a public school teacher, and I am following a very similar course of self-improvement. I write to share the many profound experiences I had working with kids over the years. I have a number of tools I use for re-making myself as person no longer working for health reasons. I try to diligently use those tools every day, writing, reading, sharing on WordPress… I am thinking the hammer wasn’t such a good choice, though. The bruise on my forehead is quite painful.